The Vulnerable Me

Well, this post is quite the change from the last one...so here goes.....

The last couple years I have been battling with a lot of shame surrounding my marriage; something that I did not want to talk about with anyone, or even admit to myself. It brought a heavy burden on my marriage that ultimately destroyed it.

Everyone has things they are ashamed of, their skeletons in the closet. But, God didn't design us to keep those things we are ashamed of secret. He designed us for community, for accountability, for intimacy.

During my marriage, I kept all the details of my struggles hidden. I tried to talk to my husband, but I never could articulate it correctly. I did not talk to anyone else about what was going on. I mean, I shared a little bit, but nothing serious. "Marriage is tough, but it's great!" "It is definitely an adjustment living with someone!" Those were the kind of statements I would make, that's it. 

I was never under the impression that marriage was going to be easy. I had a lot of people tell me that I was too young to get married. But I was SO excited. We were having the best time in the beginning, but shortly into it I started getting a bad gut feeling that my experience was so very different. We had no idea what we were doing. And I know that I made a million mistakes...seriously, I think I literally made a million mistakes. And he made some choices that really hurt me. I felt controlled and suffocated, like I didn't have any freedom to make decisions for myself or pursue dreams that I had. I made him my everything, my world, my idol. I started to believe that his truth was ALL truth. There was a lot of pride. I felt ignorant, small, and insignificant. I do not believe that he intentionally made me feel this way, but this was my reality that I was living with every day. I was embarrassed that my life felt like that. I did not want anyone to know. I tried to convince myself for so long that I was fine. I was telling everyone, even myself, just a few months ago that I was in the best place I have ever been! I was trying to convince myself to feel a different way, because I thought that facing the reality of my pain would be so much more difficult than to pretend like everything was fine. I was so wrong. My anxiety and shame had been taking a toll on my body and mind, and I could not do it anymore. 

I cannot tell you how many hours I spent in tears praying about this. I NEVER wanted to get divorced. I always saw divorce as a bad thing, something that I judged. But because of my experience, I now know that divorce is sometimes completely necessary to be removed from an unhealthy situation that was slowly but surely tearing me down. I knew that taking that step was going to require some serious faith, and that it would cause serious heartbreak. I make very little money, my parents don't live anywhere near me, and I have a puppy....so many challenges. But from the moment the decision was made, I have felt God's arms wrapped around me so tight. A wonderful couple took me and Chewy in and treat us like family. My friends have stepped in to support me in incredible ways. My family is amazing. And I am seeing myself for who God intends me to be. Loved, cherished, beautiful. And I feel joyful. This was the hardest decision I have ever made. But every ounce of me has felt at peace. I know God is using this situation to bring me back to HIM where I should have been all along. 

Even now, after the divorce, I stand by my decision to get married young, to give my life, love, and heart to a man and move across the country to support him and his career. I would never change or take away those years that I had with him. Never. I would not be the woman I am today without those experiences, good or bad. I got to move to 2 states that I would NEVER have moved to on my own, and travel to places I never even knew about. I have grown to love the southern and Texas cultures and I am enjoying living in Houston very much. The friends I have made here in Houston have changed my life. I wouldn't change a thing. 

People ask me how things could have been different...my answer: I don't know. We tried. We put effort into it. I know I did everything I could to make it work. I have been praying fervently for over a year that God would guide my steps in my marriage, and He has led me to exactly where I stand now, and I know He will continue to guide my steps in as I move forward with my life. I feel an incredible amount of hurt and heartbreak; I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused anyone because of this situation. 

I have no idea where my life is headed, I am walking by pure faith, and sometimes everything seems like it is falling apart. My daily desire is to represent Christ in my life.  I am so sorry for ever judging anyone who has been through a divorce or any other situation that I just do not understand. I have learned that you can never know someone else's pain or situation. Facebook and Instagram might have been telling one story about me, but there was something else going on behind the scenes that no one knew. I wholeheartedly believe that is true for most people. We never want to show our flaws or struggles in fear that we will be judged or rejected. I think the opposite needs to be true; I think that when we step into vulnerability, into transparency, that we open ourselves up to true relationship, to true intimacy, to real connection that we all long for. 

That is what I pray for my future. I pray for intimacy. Real, authentic, emotional and spiritual intimacy. (Gotta love Brene Brown for her wise thoughts on intimacy! Read her stuff....it is really good.)

If all I get out of this pain and heartbreak is a deeper relationship with Jesus, then it is all worth it. Completely worth it. 

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us" Ephesians 3:20

Where The Heart Is

They say home is where the heart is.

I haven't been home in about 6 months. 6 months is a long time for me. Even when I was away at college, I averaged only about 6-8 weeks between visits, but lately it seems that adult life just gets in the way of travel.

It is crazy how God works. I grew up in Issaquah, so I know what it looks like, I know what it feels like; so much so, that I can close my eyes and imagine myself sitting in the neighborhood I grew up in and smell it.

But there is something about flying in over the Eastside after being away so long that brings up many emotions. I found myself in tears looking out the window on the airplane while we made our descent into SeaTac over the lakes and the green, luscious trees that I haven't seen in so long. You never really realize the depth of the beauty here in the Pacific Northwest until you live in the flattest place in the country where there is very little real green and very brown water.

I call Issaquah, the PNW, my home, but whenever I am here, I find myself calling Houston home. I end up more confused than anything!! I think home is wherever God is calling you to be in the moment. I grew up here, all of my family is still here, I find comfort here. My heart will always be here. But right now, it is not my home. My home for now is Houston. And my heart is also there. For the first time in 6 years, I am staying put in one place for longer than 1 year, and I have planted roots, real roots. And right now, even though I sometimes think I'm a little crazy (haha) I am just doing my best to follow God's lead.

I miss Issaquah. I miss the PNW weather. I miss my friends and my family.

But I am happy. Happy walking by faith, not by sight, knowing that every step has already been put before me and I have nothing, absolutely nothing, to fear. Knowing that my circumstances, the place I live, and the people I spend time with cannot fulfill me. Only God can do that, and no matter what, my home is ultimately with Him. In Him is where I can rest.

Time Really Flies

My parents, grandparents, and family friends have all told me at one time or another that time flies. This semester was the first time that I really feel like I understand what they meant.

About four months ago I was packing my suitcases for my Semester in Spain, and I remember thinking how far away December felt, I mean, it was only the middle of August! Once I got here to Sevilla, I had the same feeling......it felt like the semester was never going to end.

This time that I have had here has been challenging, exciting, adventurous, and so incredibly fun. I have travelled to amazing new places, and I was so fortunate to be able to spend time with my Uncle Pat and cousins in London.

As I was walking to the coffee shop (where Christina and I have become regulars :)!!) I was reflecting on how beautiful the walk from my house is in the morning, and how I am so thankful for the beautiful sunrise that God creates every morning. I don´t think that I will fully appreciate the time I have had here until I am at home and I can´t just walk to Las Palomas and get a triangulo, or go to the chucheria for a 1 euro bag of chuches.

The goodbyes have already started, first with 2 students, Daniel and Kara, that left on wednesday, and today Christina and I said goodbye to our baristas at our morning coffee shop. Luckily, most of us students are on the group flight back to Chicago tomorrow so we will be stuck on a plane together for a while tomorrow and we won´t have to say goodbye right away :).

I´ll never forget this experience, or the people that I got to experience it with.

God Is My Constant

It has been a while since writing last! Things have been crazy here, as usual, and super busy!

We had fall break October 28th to November 2nd, and I was able to go on a wonderful trip with Seth, Elyse, Kris, and Dani to Tenerife, one of the Canary Islands off the coast of Morocco!

This is the only picture we got of the 5 of us! We took it after swimming in the natural pools in Garachico!

We were so blessed by getting to stay in an all-inclusive hotel in Puerto de la Cruz, on the north side of the island. The food was amazing and so were the people. We realized the island was the "Hawaii" for European people. We were the only Americans there! Everyone was pretty fascinated when they found out we were American :) This island trip was the perfect getaway for us for the week. We had a relaxing 5 days in the warm sun not having to care about much. It was awesome!

Being tourists in a gift shop looking for sandals for Seth!

Seeking refuge from the STRONG wind!

I think we were testing to see if the sound echoed under the tree? haha (it was my idea)

The black sand at the beach by our hotel!

The gorgeous moonrise on the first night!

Seth trying to dry his socks in the wind after we got drenched by a huge wave!

The natural pools :)

Los Gigantes! Huge cliffs next to the beach...so cool!

This trip to the island was the spark to what has been a really amazing second half of the semester in terms of my relationship with the Lord: My heart has been softened so much and I wanna share a little about what I have been learning. 

God is so Big. I don't think that I think about that enough. Everything on earth He made. Isn't that crazy? In Tenerife I saw some BIG things, like the cliffs in the last picture. Those were huge! I was in awe of the blue water, the big cliffs, the big trees, the birds, the amazing food, everything. I was in awe of God's beauty through all of these things. It has been such a blessing to see the way He has been working through my heart and really showing me how to lean on Him in my times of loneliness and struggle. He is the only constant here and I am so thankful to have a God who provides and loves so unconditionally. I am learning to seek Him in everything I do, especially in my relationships with others. It is not easy, but I am learning and He is my strength. Whenever I am down and I seek Him, He provides a reminder of how faithful and gracious He is. 

And in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for the friends and family that I have in my life. I have such a supportive community around me and I couldn't be more thankful for them :) Especially for  Angie, Sam, and Sarah who have been a continuous encouragement, Hollis for being so understanding and loving even from so far away and a 7 hour time difference, and my family :) I love you guys.

I only have 3 weeks left here in Spain and I am thankful for every day that I have had here. This has been such a crazy cool experience! 

Big Cities!

The past few weeks have been CRAZY! Filled with exams and travelling, I have been VERY busy.

School, of course, is really important, and thats why the tests are so stressful. I have gotten so sucked into having fun here that I have, at times, forgotten to study :) and that just causes me to have to cram (a habit I must get rid of soon!)

The best part about studying in Europe is that there are so many opportunities to travel! The last two weeks have been filled with travel. I got the opportunity to go to Toledo with the school, Madrid with Christina and Jamie, and to London to visit Uncle Pat and the boys with Elyse.

TOLEDO:
A beautiful old city filled with history and gorgeous buildings!
We met at the bus at 6:30am on Thursday, so early, and we drove many hours to arrive there around 2pm. The bus ride consisted of sleeping and listening to Mark Driscolls podcasts. The best part of the drive, by far, was our very quick stop in Consuegra! For those of you who dont know, that is the place where los molinos are that Don Quixote fought. I LOVE Don Quixote, so that was the best thing ever.
Machego sheep cheese also comes from this region of La Mancha.










Las Molinas!!





















In Toledo we had some tours in different churches. We got to see some original paintings by El Greco, which was really cool.

To the right is a statue of Don Quixote that was in a lot of the stores around Toledo!

This is me, Christina, and Jamie exploring a monastery in Toledo!










MADRID:

After Toledo, we hopped on a train an headed to Madrid! 

We were very fortunate and got to stay with a family that Samia knew there, and they made the experience completely unforgettable! 

Not only did we go to Pacha (a nightclub)

                                

and get to see the Reina Sofia museum,

 but I also got together with Sofia!! 

It was so awesome seeing her there! She brought us to the coolest tapas market, where they had a ton of different kinds of tapas to buy, and she took us to an awesome bar that specialized in stuffed mushrooms and sangria. 










And to end it right, we came back to Sevilla super fast on the Ave :) 
















LONDON:
Getting to London, that was the fun part :)
I dont know if any of you know what RyanAir is, but for those of you who dont know, it is a low cost airline that flies around Europe for SUPER cheap. The thing is, they have LOTS of fine print. Like the size of a carry on bag has to be much smaller than a normal size, also, you must get your boarding pass stamped at the ticket counter before going to the gate to avoid a 66 Euro charge for not getting it checked. Luckily, Elyse and I were warned about this before we went so we didnt have any problems. But let me tell you, even though I knew my carry on would fit, when I saw that we all had to put our bags in the measuring thing to check the size as we walked on the jetway, my heart was pounding out of my chest cause I was so nervous! I laughed really hard after to get rid of all the adrenaline that had built up inside me!

Ah, London!! Such a great place :) Sightseeing galore! And great family! It was so awesome getting to spend time with my Uncle Pat, my cousins Felix and Hugo, seeing my Auntie Charlotte, and getting to know Mollie. 

We saw the Tower Bridge, shopped at Primark (the best store ever), and best of all, got to go to the Google offices!!

Being in Europe allows so much opportunity to travel for little money, and I love that I am able to take advantage of that. I had so much fun on this first round of travel and I can't wait for more!

Next stop.......TENERIFE in the Canary Islands!!! (10/29/12)

The Hard Stuff

There are always challenges when going to a new place and being out of your comfort zone. Moving to a new country with a new language to go to school brings a whole lot of other challenges.

My first major challenge has to do with school. In March I got my acceptance letter to the Fall 2012 Semester in Spain program and I was super excited!! I started thinking about all of the Spanish I was going to learn, the culture I was going to get to experience first hand, and travelling!!! Little did I know, it was going to be a lot harder than I thought.

Study Abroad: When students travel to another country for a period of time to pursue an educational degree.

SURPRISE. When you study abroad you actually have to study!! I think I forgot that little detail when I was planning out my semester :) 
I have never been the type to study (productively) for hours on end and dedicate my whole time at school to my actual school work. Now, you can only imagine how much of a challenge studying has been for me while being here in Sevilla. It is SO HARD to get myself to sit down and focus on my homework. For example, right now I really should be studying for my tests that I have starting on Tuesday, but I decided to procrastinate by writing a blog about how I have a hard time getting myself to study instead of actually studying :) I am a pro at finding ways to distract myself from studying, I should probably get paid for it. 

My next challenge has to do with the public facilities here. And I must dedicate this part to my friend Christina, because we relate very well on this topic.
Public Restrooms. 
If you know me at all, you know that I am always paranoid about where I am going to find a bathroom when I go out. And not only am I worried about where I am going to find a bathroom, but I worry about the cleanliness of that bathroom. That is why Disneyland is my favorite place to go. There are bathrooms everywhere and they are most always clean and have toilet seat covers. Basically bathroom heaven. Well, let me tell you, Spain bathrooms are no Disneyland bathrooms..they don't even compare. We went out for Tapas last week and not only were there no toilet seat covers, but there was no toilet paper. Toilet paper is a luxury here, so is an actual toilet seat! I can't tell you how many public bathrooms I have been in that dont have toilet seats. Luckily, last night we went out to a Flamenco bar to watch some performances and we found the nicest bathroom in a public place that we have seen so far!! It was wonderful :)

The last funny challenging thing (for this post) is the Sevici system. 
For those of you who don't know, this is a public bike system. You can buy a year long pass and use the bikes in the city whenever you want, whenever you want, and ride for 30 minutes for free. It is the best way to go to and from places because it is so fast and efficient! Now, here come the challenges...finding an open station, sliding the bike back into place, and the actual bikes themselves. You remove the bike form the slot when you check it out and you have to slide the bike back into a slot to check it back in. There are only so many slots at each station, so many times there are no open spaces. In turn, sometimes riding the bike actually ends up making the trip twice as long and causes you to walk more because you have to go back to the station you first picked the bike up from to check it back in and then walk to your destination. That always makes for a good laugh and an overheated body when its 100 degrees outside. Now, when you actually slide your bike into place the slot will do one of two things. It will either be silent, which means you have correctly put your bike into place, and then beep 3 times 10 seconds later to let you know that the bike is checked in, or it will beep very loud and uncontrollably at you letting you know that you are terrible at putting the bike into place and you should be embarrassed because everyone in the vicinity is now looking at you and know that you clearly aren't from here. The other very unique thing about these bikes is that they sometimes aren't very good bikes, but you can't test it before you check it out so you don't find out what is wrong with it until you are riding along and your seat slowly starts creeping down or you find that the bike is permanently in third gear. With all that being said, I have never laughed more than in these situations with the bikes. They bring a smile to my face every day that I use the system and I am so thankful that it exists!!


Here in Spain I find myself being challenged by new things every day and I find joy in laughing about the funny and crazy experiences that I am faced with. All of this stuff that I am going through makes my time here so much more enjoyable and funny. Laughing is, by far, the best coping mechanism :)

Football in Bars and Religious Processionals

Very late friday night I heard the loudest BOOM I have ever heard in my life. I had no idea what it was. When I woke up the next morning more BOOMs happened, scaring us half to death cause we thought they were gun shots. Our familia here told us that it was cannons that were marking the start of the day of the processional. Of course, we had absolutely no idea what that meant, but we went with it anyway haha. We thought the loud noises were over...we were very wrong cause at 7:30pm they happened again, marking the beginning of the processional.

As some of you may know, Sevilla played Real Madrid last night in Sevilla and, as much as we wanted to attend, we couldn't afford a ticket, so we decided to watch the game in a bar. The only thing was, we weren't allowed to cheer for Madrid because we were in Sevilla! On our way to find a bar with a TV (a rare find here in Sevilla) we ran into the processional! 

The Processional: 2 Marching bands, one in the front, one in the back, kids carrying giant candles, men from the church, a big extravagantly decorated float carried by about 30 men with the Virgin Mary sitting on top, and hundred of other people carrying silver poles leading the Virgin into every church in Triana, with the entire city gathering to watch it. It was beautiful!

The game started at 10. At the bar there were many old men and 2 cops, watching the game and then there were about 8 college kids. It was crammed!! The atmosphere was great, and we had a really good time :) And much to our surprise, SEVILLA WON! Everyone was extremely surprised! It was my first european soccer experience, and it was a great one!

We walked home a little after midnight, and the processional was still going! They were still carrying Mary through the city and the bands were still playing...loud. Dani and I went home to go to bed and just as we were about to fall asleep at 1, BOOM. The cannons went off again. All I could do was laugh because I got so scared!! Finally the processional was over and there was quiet :)

I thought the processional was very beautiful, and I am so glad I got to see it, but I couldn't believe how loud the cannons were!!! Everything here that has to do with the Catholic church is so beautiful! The cathedrals, the decorations, even the floats they put the Virgin Mary on. 

That was the most eventful saturday I have had here yet. It was so cool to see the culture in terms of the religion here and also through their love for football!! We even made friends with the people at the bar so they told us to come back for the Betis and Barcelona games :)