The Vulnerable Me

Well, this post is quite the change from the last one...so here goes.....

The last couple years I have been battling with a lot of shame surrounding my marriage; something that I did not want to talk about with anyone, or even admit to myself. It brought a heavy burden on my marriage that ultimately destroyed it.

Everyone has things they are ashamed of, their skeletons in the closet. But, God didn't design us to keep those things we are ashamed of secret. He designed us for community, for accountability, for intimacy.

During my marriage, I kept all the details of my struggles hidden. I tried to talk to my husband, but I never could articulate it correctly. I did not talk to anyone else about what was going on. I mean, I shared a little bit, but nothing serious. "Marriage is tough, but it's great!" "It is definitely an adjustment living with someone!" Those were the kind of statements I would make, that's it. 

I was never under the impression that marriage was going to be easy. I had a lot of people tell me that I was too young to get married. But I was SO excited. We were having the best time in the beginning, but shortly into it I started getting a bad gut feeling that my experience was so very different. We had no idea what we were doing. And I know that I made a million mistakes...seriously, I think I literally made a million mistakes. And he made some choices that really hurt me. I felt controlled and suffocated, like I didn't have any freedom to make decisions for myself or pursue dreams that I had. I made him my everything, my world, my idol. I started to believe that his truth was ALL truth. There was a lot of pride. I felt ignorant, small, and insignificant. I do not believe that he intentionally made me feel this way, but this was my reality that I was living with every day. I was embarrassed that my life felt like that. I did not want anyone to know. I tried to convince myself for so long that I was fine. I was telling everyone, even myself, just a few months ago that I was in the best place I have ever been! I was trying to convince myself to feel a different way, because I thought that facing the reality of my pain would be so much more difficult than to pretend like everything was fine. I was so wrong. My anxiety and shame had been taking a toll on my body and mind, and I could not do it anymore. 

I cannot tell you how many hours I spent in tears praying about this. I NEVER wanted to get divorced. I always saw divorce as a bad thing, something that I judged. But because of my experience, I now know that divorce is sometimes completely necessary to be removed from an unhealthy situation that was slowly but surely tearing me down. I knew that taking that step was going to require some serious faith, and that it would cause serious heartbreak. I make very little money, my parents don't live anywhere near me, and I have a puppy....so many challenges. But from the moment the decision was made, I have felt God's arms wrapped around me so tight. A wonderful couple took me and Chewy in and treat us like family. My friends have stepped in to support me in incredible ways. My family is amazing. And I am seeing myself for who God intends me to be. Loved, cherished, beautiful. And I feel joyful. This was the hardest decision I have ever made. But every ounce of me has felt at peace. I know God is using this situation to bring me back to HIM where I should have been all along. 

Even now, after the divorce, I stand by my decision to get married young, to give my life, love, and heart to a man and move across the country to support him and his career. I would never change or take away those years that I had with him. Never. I would not be the woman I am today without those experiences, good or bad. I got to move to 2 states that I would NEVER have moved to on my own, and travel to places I never even knew about. I have grown to love the southern and Texas cultures and I am enjoying living in Houston very much. The friends I have made here in Houston have changed my life. I wouldn't change a thing. 

People ask me how things could have been different...my answer: I don't know. We tried. We put effort into it. I know I did everything I could to make it work. I have been praying fervently for over a year that God would guide my steps in my marriage, and He has led me to exactly where I stand now, and I know He will continue to guide my steps in as I move forward with my life. I feel an incredible amount of hurt and heartbreak; I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused anyone because of this situation. 

I have no idea where my life is headed, I am walking by pure faith, and sometimes everything seems like it is falling apart. My daily desire is to represent Christ in my life.  I am so sorry for ever judging anyone who has been through a divorce or any other situation that I just do not understand. I have learned that you can never know someone else's pain or situation. Facebook and Instagram might have been telling one story about me, but there was something else going on behind the scenes that no one knew. I wholeheartedly believe that is true for most people. We never want to show our flaws or struggles in fear that we will be judged or rejected. I think the opposite needs to be true; I think that when we step into vulnerability, into transparency, that we open ourselves up to true relationship, to true intimacy, to real connection that we all long for. 

That is what I pray for my future. I pray for intimacy. Real, authentic, emotional and spiritual intimacy. (Gotta love Brene Brown for her wise thoughts on intimacy! Read her stuff....it is really good.)

If all I get out of this pain and heartbreak is a deeper relationship with Jesus, then it is all worth it. Completely worth it. 

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us" Ephesians 3:20

Where The Heart Is

They say home is where the heart is.

I haven't been home in about 6 months. 6 months is a long time for me. Even when I was away at college, I averaged only about 6-8 weeks between visits, but lately it seems that adult life just gets in the way of travel.

It is crazy how God works. I grew up in Issaquah, so I know what it looks like, I know what it feels like; so much so, that I can close my eyes and imagine myself sitting in the neighborhood I grew up in and smell it.

But there is something about flying in over the Eastside after being away so long that brings up many emotions. I found myself in tears looking out the window on the airplane while we made our descent into SeaTac over the lakes and the green, luscious trees that I haven't seen in so long. You never really realize the depth of the beauty here in the Pacific Northwest until you live in the flattest place in the country where there is very little real green and very brown water.

I call Issaquah, the PNW, my home, but whenever I am here, I find myself calling Houston home. I end up more confused than anything!! I think home is wherever God is calling you to be in the moment. I grew up here, all of my family is still here, I find comfort here. My heart will always be here. But right now, it is not my home. My home for now is Houston. And my heart is also there. For the first time in 6 years, I am staying put in one place for longer than 1 year, and I have planted roots, real roots. And right now, even though I sometimes think I'm a little crazy (haha) I am just doing my best to follow God's lead.

I miss Issaquah. I miss the PNW weather. I miss my friends and my family.

But I am happy. Happy walking by faith, not by sight, knowing that every step has already been put before me and I have nothing, absolutely nothing, to fear. Knowing that my circumstances, the place I live, and the people I spend time with cannot fulfill me. Only God can do that, and no matter what, my home is ultimately with Him. In Him is where I can rest.